It's midnight on Thanksgiving, and I'm in sort of a pissed-off mood tonight. Don't get me wrong, I had a great Thanksgiving and I have plenty to be thankful for, but I usually end up in a bad mood after 10 hours of schmoozing with the family. Plus, four Coronas and half a dozen deviled eggs can put anyone in a bad mood.
• Want to hear a crazy story? Bad Influence and I had to save Doobie's life the other night. Here's what happened: We were at a bar, and Doobie drank a little too much Jack Daniels and had a few too many beers. On our way back to the parking lot, we found a couple six-foot-long fluorescent lights that somebody had left next to a dumpster. Like true rocket scientists, we decided that it would be funny to go to the top of a nearby parking garage and drop the lights off the six-story roof. Sounds stupid, right? It gets worse.
We got to the top of the parking garage, which was a lot higher than it looked, and we tossed both lights off the roof. Six stories is pretty high up, so it took the lights a while to fall all the way to the concrete below, and at the last second, two girls walked out of a store and right in front of our target. It looked like the lights were going to land right on them. I yelled "look out!" and the girls were smart enough to stop walking - and the lights shattered right in front of them. Glass went everywhere; it was fucking crazy. The girls were pretty pissed off (for good reason), and they screamed a few obscenities at us and kept walking. Now, for any normal human being, that would be a crazy enough prank for one night. Nobody ever said that Doobie was normal, though.
He decided that it would be a good idea to walk on the edge of this six story building! I thought he was just drunk and talking out his ass, but apparently Doobie was serious. Despite the fact that he was totally inebriated and it was pouring rain, Doobie did exactly what he said he was going to do - he walked right along the edge of that building. If he had slipped on the wet ledge or lost his balance, there wouldn't be a Doobie around today. The fall definitely would have killed him. He just kept walking, though, and eventually climbed to another section of the roof that was even higher.
Unfortunately for Doobie, it was easy to climb... but almost impossible to get down from, especially if you happen to be drunk at the time. He was stuck up there, and Bad Influence and I had no idea how to get him down. There sure as hell wasn't a safe way to do it, but we had to figure out the least-insane way of helping him down. Not surprisingly, Doobie got impatient with us and just wanted to jump, but that didn't seem like a very wise choice. We convinced him to try climbing down instead, which he was willing to do - but the damn rain kept making his feet slip on the iron fencing.
Finally, after about twenty minutes of coaching, with a crowd of over a dozen people watching below, Doobie was able to leap back down to the main roof. If he had been just one inch off, Doobie would be dead right now. Luckily, he landed perfectly and didn't even hurt his ankles (probably since Jack Daniels has a nice numbing effect). We walked back down the stairs and got into our car, leaving the scene before the police could arrive. Crazy? Stupid? Hell, that's just another night for us.
• Am I the only one who doesn't give a fuck who the president is anymore? We're never going to have a simple election again; the bureaucracy of the American legal system is too powerful now. There's always going to be some kind of a legal dispute; some sore loser will always try to paw at the door until they let him in. Al Gore and the Clintons are more powerhungry than any administration in the last 100 years, and they'll do whatever it takes to stay in the White House... even if it means robbing voters of all their faith in democracy. It's a motherfucking tyranny.
Personally, I just really don't care anymore. I lost my faith in the American legal system a long time ago - justice in America died with Nicole Simpson and Jon Benet Ramsey. It doesn't matter who wins the presidency, because neither one of them will make any kind of a difference. Sad but true, and you're fooling yourself if you think I'm wrong. The corporations run America.
• I saw a special Thanksgiving episode of Montel Williams, where he brought families onto the show to announce what they were thankful for. Not surprisingly, Montel's wife wasn't on that episode - I was hoping she could tell us how "thankful" she was that Montel left her for a younger white woman. Save the self righteousness and good nature for another program, Montel, because we're not buying your brand.
• If I had to pick one classic rock song to define my life right now, it would be "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones. Take that for what you will.
Well, that's all for this week's edition of Freeman's Fire. I'll be back next week with more stories and observations. In the meantime, be sure to check out this week's show by clicking on the link on the upper lefthand corner. See you next week.
