For the past five days, I have been doing a little self-imposed experiment. As somebody who spent the first 21 years of his life as a bitter pessimist, I wanted to see if 'positive thinking' would help improve my life. I decided to cut all negativity out of my life, from trash TV to gangsta rap - everything that could possibly put me in a bad mood. I started this on Monday and I've been doing it the whole week.

You need to understand, this was very hard for me. Until this week, I honestly had no idea how to think in a positive manner. I've spent the majority of my life in a bad mood; a frown perpetually slapped on my face. It's not that I've had a tough life, either. I grew up with a middle class family in the suburbs, and my parents are still together, so it's not like I have a reason to be pissed off all the time. I just always have been. This whole week, I would keep reminding myself to stay in a good mood. Every time Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" came on the radio, I would switch it off. Every time I saw some obnoxious frat boy banging his penis against a whipped-cream covered sorority girl on MTV's "Best Of Spring Break," I would just change the channel. Whenever a newscaster would start shamelessly kissing Al Gore's ass on MSNBC, I would just hit mute. Nothing could put me in a bad mood. I also tried to be helpful and kind, and I stopped using such offensive language. When I was asked to help out my former boss, the same woman who fired me less than a month ago, I actually agreed to do it. When I saw a stray dog sitting in the rain, I gave it some food and led it to shelter. I was even nice to my religious cousin when he lectured me about the sinfulness of my show. For one whole week, I have managed to become the nicest, happiest guy in the world.

And guess what? After a week of this positive thinking, I have come to a conclusion...

BEING NICE AND HAPPY SUCKS!

This week served as a reminder to me why I'm always in a bad mood - because nice guys get pushed around! Whenever I left the house with a smile on my face, there was always some bastard just waiting to wipe it right off. I got pulled over by a cop, I got in trouble for walking on the lawn in front of an office complex, and some fucker keyed my car! I spent the whole week trying to be happy and courteous, and what did it get me? This town spit right in my face.

So in closing, before any of you send me another e-mail asking why I'm always so bitter and pissed off, just remember- I tried being nice and you wouldn't let me.