I have a lot of different subjects on my mind right now, so I won't waste any time. Here are some of my random thoughts:

• Who the hell does Madonna think she is? I keep reading about the insanely-tight security that she had at her wedding to Guy Ritchie. According to one report, she hired a group of agents to spy under the kilts and dresses of the wedding guests, just in case one of them might be hiding a camera or a tape recorder. What was she so afraid of, anyway? There are worse things in this world than seeing pictures of your wedding reception in the fucking Globe. That bitch needs to get her head out of her ass. I can just imagine Madonna at home, bragging to her lesbian friends on the phone about how there weren't ANY papparazi at her wedding. What a genius. There are kids dying of AIDS in Uganda, but heaven fucking forbid Madonna's wedding get ruined by a couple reporters! That bitch made her living off the backs of reporters, and now she's too holy for them to take pictures of? That's bullshit.

• Random fact of life: I live in a world populated by drunk girls who only want me when they're drunk.

• Isn't it fun to watch Jesse Jackson make an ass out of himself? Jesse had said that black people were going to "take to the streets" if George W. Bush was elected. Well, it's been a couple weeks since he was elected, Jesse, and I still don't see anybody marching on the streets. I love it how he just assumes that all black people agree with him, too. Doesn't that mean he's stereotyping black people? Eventually the media is going to wake up and realize what a hypocritical, self-righteous, racist idiot he really is, and they'll stop giving him a forum to spew his shit. Until then, I'll keep mocking him.

• For New Years Eve, me and a bunch of friends wanted to go to the Embarcadero in San Francisco. We didn't want to drive drunk, so we all got together at the BART station (which is like San Francisco's version of the subway, for those of you who don't live here) and rode to the city. I busted out some malt liquor on the BART ride, and before we knew it, about 40 other twentysomethings were drinking with us. A couple guys even started smoking marijuana, so the whole damn BART car was like a hotbox.

Big Tone was leading the drunks in cheers ("Three cheers for Red Bull energy drinks!"), Doobie was pounding the ceiling since he didn't have a noisemaker, and Bad Influence was sucking down some liquor from a flask. I even offered some East Indian kid a little of my beer. It was absolutely crazy.

• I'll be adding some new photos to the website soon. I've captured some pretty interesting scenes with my camera recently - Miss Feelgood in her thong, Sean laying a wet kiss on Parker The Doll, Big Tone flipping off Chris Miami, and more. Expect to see those in the next few days.

In the meantime, I need to cut this column short. Bad Influence and I are going down to the local coffee shop to scope out some of the hot rich girls. God bless America.