I had a little extra time on my hands, so I decided to compile a list of the things that I find cool at the moment. Halfway through the list, however, I realized that no "what's hot" list would be complete without a companion list of "what's not hot," so I decided to make one of those as well.
Disagree with me on any of these subjects? I really don't give a shit - but I'd love to hear from you anyway, so send me an e-mail! Anyway, on with the lists...
WHAT'S COOL
Comic books. Laugh all you want, but comic books are becoming cool again. They're no longer as accessible to the idiots of society as they once were; if you're looking for one-dimensional heroes who instantly know the difference between right and wrong, this isn't the medium for you. Comic books, through the work of writers like Garth Ennis (the scribe behind Punisher) and Kevin Smith (Green Arrow), have become considerably darker and more violent, chock-full of antiheroes and well-meaning bad guys. Do yourself a favor - if you haven't been to a comic book shop lately, go visit one tomorrow... and who gives a shit if people are watching.
Kevin Smith. I mentioned Big Kev's comic-writing skills above, but he's also the coolest moviemaker out there right now. Most of mainstream America still hadn't heard of Smith until Dogma hit theatres, but his hardcore fans (and anyone who appreciates creative filmmaking) were already well aware of his previous work, from Clerks to Mallrats to Chasing Amy. What makes Smith such an intriguing writer and director is the fact that he rarely goes for the obvious. There are very few formulaic plot twists in a Kevin Smith movie, and he has yet to go the route that so many other independent moviemakers from the mid 90's chose to travel - in other words, he still hasn't sold out. Smith's movies are incredibly vulgar, juvenile, and often crass, yet somehow, they always avoid catering to the morons. These movies aren't for everyone - just anyone with an IQ higher than their penis length.
RC Cola. I'm not kissing their ass to get a new sponsor for the show, but RC Cola is definitely the best tasting cola. Not only is it a lot less bitter than Coke or Pepsi, it also has the distinction of being a relatively cool drink, sort of like Lucky Strikes were to cigarette smokers before everybody jumped on the bandwagon. Royal Crown just relaunched the drink in the United States with a new logo and television commercials, so start drinking it before everybody else does. Originality, of course, is the key factor to coolness.
Bidis. The Seattle Post calls them "sweetly sinister," and they're the new trend among teenage smokers. Imported from India and coming in flavors like strawberry, vanilla, chocolate, cherry, and mango, bidis are cheaper than cigarettes and smell better. Sure, these things DO contain more cancer-causing agents than regular cigarettes, and they're made by underage slaves in Indian sweatshops, but they taste good! The beautiful irony of the rise in bidi smokers is that our very own government caused it. Don't blame India or the slavemasters who make the stuff - blame our government. They're reaping what they sowed during the war on smoking. For years, the U.S. government has raised the prices of cigarettes and brainwashed the nation into hating cigarette smokers, so a good portion of teenagers have skipped cigarette smoking altogether - and instead, they've taken up cigars and bidis. Maybe this time around, the U.S. government will finally smarten up and realize that when you outlaw a product or alienate its users, you just drive the public to a more dangerous product. They won't learn, though... they'll just try to outlaw bidis.
Anti-depressants. With names like Paxil and Effexor, anti-depressant medication is making a big comeback. After getting a bad reputation in the 90's because of years of abuse from celebrities, who then went on talk shows and badmouthed whatever product they got addicted to, anti-depressants experienced an uncool period during the end of the last decade. Now, however, with the emergence of more advanced pills that increase the supply of serotonin to the brain, brand names like Zoloft and Luvox are slowly coming into the public consciousness. There are even new medications to treat bad cases of PMS (Sarafem and Celexa). Hell, with cool sounding prescription pills like those, Prozac is SO five minutes ago.
WHAT'S LAME
The club scene. It had to happen eventually, and although we're not quite there yet, it seems we're almost at the point where nightclubs are no longer chic. With raves and elaborate house parties on the rise and quality nightclubs on the decline, a much less attractive (and a much more hostile) crowd is heading back to the clubs due to their lowering prices. Clubs like City Nights and Sound Factory in San Francisco, once famous for their edginess and diverse environments, are now havens for some of the ugliest people on Earth. On a recent visit to Sound Factory, I had the misfortune of witnessing a "booty contest" between three women. None of them were what I would call attractive, but two of the three were obviously over the 200 pound mark. The host of the contest was a fat Filipino guy with a shaved head, completely devoid of anything resembling charisma; the kind of guy who hosts kareoke night at his local pub. Unfortunately for the club scene, this is pretty much the same scenario that I'm witnessing at most nightclubs in my area. Rest in peace, nightlife.
Foot Locker and the shoe companies. I know a lot of people still love Nike and all the crap they sell at Foot Locker, but I think it's more than a little outdated. The Foot Locker commercials are basically thirty second stereotypes, created by the clueless old white men in charge of the ad agencies, who seem to think black people are incapable of anything but speaking ebonics and playing basketball. Ever wondered why Nike features Tiger Woods in their commercials so much less than the other black athletes under contract? It's because Tiger plays golf and doesn't say things like "It's all good," and to the best of my knowledge, I've never heard Tiger use the words "playa" or "balla." Until Foot Locker and the shoe companies stop being so damn racist in their minstrel-show advertising campaigns, they'll never be cool in my eyes.
Collect call commercials. Any commercial that puts Mini-Me and Michael Jordan together is destined to be lame. Whether it's a 1-800-COLLECT commercial with Terry Bradshaw or a 1-800-CALL-ATT spot featuring Carrot Top, anybody who sells out to a phone company is absolutely pathetic. I've never understood how so many great comedians, guys like the Wayans Brothers and the once-entertaining Arsenio Hall, can be hired for so many commercials without being funny once. They should be ashamed of themselves for being such whores.
Hate crime legislation. I'm sure it sounded like a good idea at the time, but like all laws passed by reactionists in the wake of tragedies (such as the Matthew Sheppard killing), hate crime legislation is starting to get out of control. If a Mexican guy hates Koreans and attacks his Korean next-door neighbor with a crowbar, should that he be punished more than when a white guy attacks another white guy with a crowbar just for the hell of it? Isn't the whole concept of America that we're all equal, and if we truly are, why would we diminish the severity of one violent crime just because it didn't involve racism? And don't ALL violent crimes involve some degree of hate? Why the hell would you beat somebody's ass if you didn't dislike them a little? Everybody should be punished equally.
Ted Kennedy. Whether it was John F. Kennedy banging the box out of Marilyn Monroe or Michael Kennedy having sex with his kids' babysitter, the Kennedy family has a long history of scandals. And of course, we can't forget about the Chappaquiddick incident, when Ted Kennedy drove his Oldsmobile off a wooden bridge on Chappaquiddick Island, drowning his passenger, a young campaign worker named Mary Jo Kopechne. Instead of calling the cops for help, Ted left the scene of the accident, didn't report it to the police for many hours, and allegedly thought about creating an alibi for himself in the interim. You'd think that after a scandal like that, Ted Kennedy would never be able to work in politics again. Unfortunately, as we all know, not only has he continued to work in politics for the past 32 years, he has thrived. The reason I mention him, though, is the fact that he passed a new hate-crime law earlier this month. Should a criminal with blood on his hands like Ted Kennedy really try so hard to send people to prison? Seems a little hypocritical, Teddy. That splashing sound you hear is Mary Jo rolling over in her watery grave.
Iyanla Vanzant. I made the mistake of watching some of this lady's talk show one night when I couldn't get to sleep. It is, without a doubt, one of the worst pieces of shit ever to air on television. It is a great cure for insomnia, though. Apparently she's the founder of Inner Visions Worldwide, some new-age organization that serves as a "network of spiritual and holistic practitioners." According to her website, she believes that "all individuals must be empowered." I don't know what the hell that means, but maybe she should change it to "all individuals must not watch this awful show!" Throughout the one episode that I watched, Iyanla did her best imitation of Oprah (another fat bitch with a horrible show), patronizing her audience and trying to "heal" everyone with her obvious advice. Well, I've got a message for Iyanla and all the other arrogant broads like her - instead of "healing" all the ugly housewives who watch her show, maybe she should try finding a cure for cancer or AIDS. I'd love to see Iyanla or Oprah talk to the people in a hospital's cancer ward about "inner healing." What a bunch of meaningless babble.
