What you're about to read is confidential, of course. If women discover that we've dehumanized and categorized them, they might not be willing to continue having sex with us... and that would be bad. Anyway, on with the list...

The Good-Looking Prude: This is the girl who will get offended by anybody at the bar who acts or looks even remotely drunk. She might be nice to look at, but she's not fun to hang around with... at all. This species can be identified by her conservative clothing and properly-applied makeup. Usually leaves the bar at least three hours before last call.

The Lezbo: Until you hear her speak, this species can easily be confused with a ten-year-old boy. She looks like Harry Potter and dresses like Frank Sinatra, so needless to say, the Lezbo isn't exactly sexy. You might be able to "switch her back," but it's probably not worth it. Sex with the Lezbo consists mainly of lots of licking, petting, and talk about her abusive father. If you're into that kind of thing, go for it.

The Ugly Slut: She can be identified by the way she wears her makeup, the way she talks, and most of all, the lack of clothing she wears. The Ugly Slut overcompensates for her atrocious features by dressing and behaving like a prostitute. This species can often be found in the stall of a men's bathroom, giving head to a man whose name she doesn't know.

The Attractive Slut: Beware of this species. Due to her good looks and lack of inhibitions, the Attractive Slut is very popular with the men of the bar... but she has the venereal diseases to prove it. She can often be seen dancing on tables and flashing the crowd, usually in a state of intoxication with her makeup running (and not just because of sweat). The Attractive Slut will do wonders for your ego, since she's gorgeous and willing to sleep with you, but remember - you're not the only one.

The Girl With HIV: She used to be either The Attractive Slut or the Ugly Slut, but after a night of passionate date rape with the town's college quarterback, everything changed. The Girl With HIV can be identified by the scabs and open sores that are sometimes visible on her arms and legs, as well as the plastic red ribbon that hangs from her keychain. She'll admit she has HIV... but only after you've had unprotected sex with her.

The Bartender Chick: Jaded and negative, the Bartender Chick has seen it all. She was promiscuous in her younger years, but after several sexually-transmitted diseases and a bastard child, the Bartender Chick is now wary of the pleasures of the flesh. She may actually sleep with you if you catch her at the right time of the month, but only with the intention of breaking your heart the next morning with a snide "I've seen bigger" remark. Enter at your own risk.

The Waitress: Not to be confused with her more cynical sister, the Bartender Chick, the Waitress has not yet been jaded by the bar scene. She is often beautiful and naive, but don't expect her innocence to last long. She will soon grow tired of searching for "the guy who ordered the rum and coke" and receiving vomit for tips, so in less than a year's time, the Waitress will have been promoted to the position of Bartender Chick. Get her while you still can.

The Transvestite: It looks fairly normal from a distance, with it's celluloid-packed implants and short skirt, but the Transvestite is definitely not a woman upon closer inspection. Beware of this creature! After a few drinks, the Transvestite may begin to look more and more like a real woman! Avoid at all costs!

That's all the time I have for this list. While I admit that it's not entirely complete, I hope you've learned enough from it to survive (or at least get laid) the next time you go to a bar. Just remember, there's really no difference between hunting for wild animals and hunting poon-tang... except the animals are usually smarter.

Happy hunting, scumbags!