I'm in a bad mood this week (isn't that every week?) and I don't have much time, so I'll try to make this as quick and painful as possible.

• I finally saw the Sum Of All Fears. What a pitiful excuse for a movie that piece of formulaic shit was. Ben Affleck isn't a completely worthless actor, as he proved with his decent performance in Chasing Amy, but that guy's career is going to be deader than Ann Landers if he keeps making crap like this. Ben's girlfriend in the movie, played by Bridget Moynahan (who tries to look like she's in perpetual thought by keeping her eyebrow cocked at all times), actually gets blown off her feet by the force of a nuclear blast... and escapes with nothing but a scratch above her eye. Apparently the jackasses who wrote the film had never heard of radiation poisoning, because everybody lives happily ever after. I kept waiting for Cecil B. Demented to storm into the theatre with a shotgun and blow us all away for being stupid enough to pay $8.50 for such a horrible movie.

• For those of you who didn't stay up until 4 in the morning last weekend, which I'm guessing is most of you, let me tell you what happened during the World Cup final... not fucking much. But Brazil ended up beating Germany (or, as I like to call them, the motherfucking Nazis) two points to zero.

The star of the game was Ronaldo, a striker for Brazil who I instantly disliked. Apparently Ronaldo figured enough people didn't already hate him for having only one name (like that cunt Cher), because he trimmed his hair in the most asinine looking hairstyle I've ever seen. Now, according to news reports, kids in Rio are shaving their hair to look just like him. How am I supposed to have any hope for humanity when people want to look like fucking Ronaldo? Ronaldo's haircut is the worst in the history of mankind, yet poor kids in Brazil want to look like him!? The end is coming, folks. The trend is getting so bad, the Associated Press actually did an article about it.

"God help me!" 25-year-old cleaning lady Ana de Paula replied when asked what she thought of Ronaldo's new do. "My boyfriend cut his hair like that and I made him shave it all off!"

Good for you, Ana. Now if only you'll also convince your boyfriend to slit his wrists, we'll all be happy. It never ceases to amaze me how idiots flock like sheep to whatever haircut trend is popular at the time. Looking back at the 70's, anyone with an ounce of shame will blush at the sight of the Afro they used to sport; morons from the early 90's are still trying to live down their Vanilla Ice haircuts and razor-trimmed eyebrows; ten years from now, suburban dads will be ashamed to admit they once bleached their hair to look like Eminem. We have all these lessons of why not to get haircuts based on short-lived trends, yet people are still dumb enough to get a Ronaldo haircut just because Brazil won the World fucking Cup? Well, folks, anyone that stupid deserves to die. Seriously.

• Speaking of ignorant bastards, have you heard about Tom Cruise's latest stupid statement? When he was interviewed for a British newspaper recently, Cruise decided to talk a little shit about America, the country that made him a star.

"I think the U.S. is terrifying and it saddens me," he told the British paper the Daily Express. "You only have to look at the state of affairs in America. I do worry about my children. As a parent you are always concerned," he continued. "I just want them to be in a place where they are going to be strong enough to make the right choices. Unfortunately, we're in a position where people are so irresponsible that human life holds such little value to them."

So there you have it: Tom Cruise is afraid of Americans. Of course, when you're a middle-aged sissy who still wears braces, the entire world can seem like a very scary place. Let's face it - no matter how many fights he wins in the movies, Tom Cruise would get his ass kicked in real life. The guy is a pussy. By the way, Minority Report has been getting horrible reviews, so don't even bother going to see it. All Tom Cruise movies follow the same basic formula: Tom starts out as a pompous, headstrong young bachelor who is at the top of his game... until some horrible tragedy strikes and he's forced to reevaluate his life! Regardless of what the plot is, Tom Cruise has basically been making the same movie since Cocktail. America doesn't need that son of a bitch.

• That's all the time I have for this week's column, folks. Be sure to tune in to next week's show, though, because I'm going to lay down another challenge to the 94.9 Bitch House. See you then.