There's a lot of stuff on my mind this week. From celebrity gossip to terrorism, if you haven't been watching the news lately, you've missed a lot. I'll try to bring you up to date.
• The man responsible for the kidnapping and execution of reporter Danny Pearl has been convicted in Pakistan. For those of you who don't keep up with world events, Pearl was a reporter with the Wall Street Journal who made the mistake of visiting a shithole like Pakistan, and he was kidnapped (and eventually beheaded) by a psychotic Islamic militant and his three accomplices. The mastermind behind the crime, Ahmed Omar Saeed Sheikh (say that five times fast), has already started threatening the people who convicted him.
"Allah is there and can get revenge," the wild-eyed religious fanatic warned his captors. "We shall see who will die first - me or the authorities who have arranged the death sentence for me."
Despite his hollow threats, Sheikh is now scheduled to hang for his crimes. I can't wait until he's dangling from the noose, gasping for that final breath of precious oxygen, and he finally realizes that Allah's not going to help him.
By the way, I had a chance to watch the Daniel Pearl execution video, which has been making the rounds on the Internet lately, and it was disgusting. You can actually watch Sheikh hack away at Pearl's neck, trying to get the head to come off. I challenge anyone to watch that video and then tell me Sheikh doesn't deserve to die. If guys like David Koresh and Jim Jones were dangerous, then militants like Sheikh are even ten times worse.
• I've gotten a few e-mails over the past few weeks asking about the whereabouts of Oriental D, who used to appear on our show now and then. I'm happy to report that OD is alive and well in Los Angeles. I talked to him a few weeks ago and he couldn't stop talking about all the hot women in L.A., so I'm thinking of paying him a visit soon. "Hot Malibu Barbie!" is what he kept yelling into the phone every time I asked how he was doing. That either means he's getting laid by a blonde or he's become a transvestite.
• I had a chance to catch comedian Craig Gass' act when he appeared at Tommy T's in Concord, California, last Friday. The guy is hilarious. If you haven't heard Craig from his appearances on The Howard Stern Show, he does a dead-on Al Pacino impersonation (as well as Gene Simmons, Sam Kinnison, and others). I had heard that Craig buys shots of Yagermeister for people in the front row during his act, so I made sure to pick one of the closest chairs in the front. Sure enough, when he was passing out the Yager, I was one of the first people to get a shot. After the show, Craig hung out inside the dance club next door for a little bit, and he was buying drinks for everybody. I sat at his table and downed a couple beers with some hot blonde (with big tits) and a white rapper named Fast Fred. Classic night.
The following night, after I recommended the club to him, Casanova McCreadie decided to check out Craig's act. McCreadie drank six beers before he even went into the club, then downed a couple more during the opening act. By the time Craig Gass came on, McCreadie was more shitfaced than he's been in years. During the Yagermeister segment, Craig gave McCreadie a shot... big mistake! McCreadie rarely drinks anything harder than Coors Light, and the Yager went right through his system like a shot of nitro in a race car. McCreadie then decided that he needed to buy Craig a shot of Yager in return, too drunk to realize that it might disturb the flow of the show. He ordered the drinks, then stood up and announced (in front of everyone) that he had a shot for Craig, who seemed a little shocked. They both downed their Yager as the crowd applauded.
If Craig Gass comes to a club in your area, you've gotta check his show out. And be sure to swing by his website at IHateComedians.com when you get a chance.
• If you're a wrestling fan with $10 to spare, you need to check out the National Wrestling Alliance's new promotion. It's called NWA: Total Nonstop Action (TNA), and it's available exclusively on pay-per-view every Wednesday evening. With Vince McMahon's World Wrestling Entertainment falling lower and lower in the ratings every week, it's obvious that wrestling fans are looking for a change, mostly due to the stale writing in the WWE lately. NWA TNA has a lot of former WWE guys, from K-Kwik (now known as K-Krush) and Grandmaster Sexay (now known as Brian Lawler, since he's Jerry "The King" Lawler's real-life son) to Scott Hall and Jeff Jarrett. Plus, because of the fact they're only available on pay-per-view, they feature a lot of content that probably wouldn't be allowed on basic cable. The main attraction of the NWA, however, is the quality of the wrestling itself. They've started something called the "X Division," which features some of the fastest and most insane cruiserweights I've ever seen. A.J. Styles, the first guy to ever win the X Title, is definitely going to be a superstar in the future.
Another positive is that NWA TNA's shows are being co-written by Vince Russo, the man responsible for some of the most cutting-edge material ever in pro wrestling. Remember how the WWF was drawing the biggest cable ratings ever back in the late 90's? Vince Russo booked most of those shows, so any promotion he's involved with is definitely worth watching. I've had the chance to order the last few NWA TNA events and I was really impressed, so if you're a wrestling fan, I would definitely recommend their Wednesday shows. Check your pay-per-view listings for more information.
• Julia Roberts just got married to Danny Moder, a 32-year-old cameraman who was married to another woman when he met her. After hastily breaking up his first marriage, Julia than conned the poor bastard into tying the knot with her. As if that wasn't enough, Julia has also taken several high-profile opportunities to insult Vera Moder, Danny's ex-wife (such as the time Julia wore a shirt that said "A Low Vera", a pun referring to how Vera initially refused to sign the divorce papers). Classy move, huh? Whoever decided that Julie was "America's Sweetheart" must be a real dumbass, because that chick is the most irritating bitch I've ever seen! In every interview she's done since the wedding, Julie has been absolutely gushing about her new husband... and it's sickening! Take a look at how she described Danny Moder to Diane Sawyer on ABC earlier this week:
"He is formidable. He is a man among men, unselfish and all-encompassing. I was born to love and to be the wife of this man."
If that doesn't make you want to vomit, I don't know what will. I also get the impression, from reading that quote, that Julia has no fucking idea what the word "formidable" means. There are a lot of adjectives that could be used to describe Danny Moder, but "formidable" is definitely not one of them (unless she thinks average-looking white guys are intimidating). The guy makes Lyle Lovett look like Mike Tyson. Danny Moder has one of those extremely punchable faces - I just want to lay into him with a right hook whenever I see that mug of his. In fact, now that I think about it, I think I'm going to make Danny Moder my newest punching bag on the show. He deserves it... and I'm sure his jilted ex-wife would agree with me.
The media wants you to believe this angelic image that Julia Roberts portrays, but I don't think anyone is buying it anymore. When you take a closer look at Julia's miserable life, she's basically just an unhappy homewrecker who quickly grows bored with her boy toys (just ask Ben Bratt and Kiefer Sutherland). And despite how "loving" she supposedly is, she hasn't spoken to her brother (actor Eric Roberts) in years. She's the quintessential Hollywood phony. If you're the child of divorce, like so many of the kids in our generation, I encourage you to skip all Julia Roberts' upcoming movies. Danny Moder was married with children until Julia started courting him, and there's no way to predict just how badly she's affected the lives of his kids. That's not to say that Moder is guilt free, by any means - I hope he gets his ass kicked by some obsessed fan (maybe Ben Bratt will lose his mind and pop a cap in Danny's ass) - but Julia needs to take a hit in the box office for this little faux pas of hers. Hey, love always has a price, right?
• That's all the time I have for this week, but be sure to tune in throughout the week, because this week's upcoming show is going to be great. Until then, I have three little words of wisdom for you to live by...
Fuck the world. Hey, it won't appear in Chicken Soup For The Soul, but it's a cool line, right?
