Hey everybody.
It's 10 o'clock
on Sunday night and quite frankly, I'm typing this commentary because I have nothing
better to do. I've got "Oh What A Night" by the Four Seasons
playing on Winamp, I just finished a turkey sandwich, and my TV is currently set on the
Japanese channel - oh, wait, it just switched to the Home Shopping Network for no apparent
reason. Anyway, my point is, I'm bored and I'm in the mood to write, so here we go.
I think this week's show was one of our best. Win A Date With Casanova
went off without a hitch, and it was successful enough that we're planning to play a
similar game with Big Tone in August. Kudos go out to Casanova for being
such a good sport.
This week's show wasn't devoid of controversy, though. I want to respond to some e-mails
that I've been getting from Eminem's fans. You see, a lot of people
misunderstood my comments about his wife's suicide attempt. I wasn't insulting his wife, Kim
- it was Marshall Mathers that I was trying to insult. You see, every
time I turn on the TV anymore, Eminem is getting mainstream exposure. He's been on
Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, and he's constantly on MTV, but no matter how
many interviews he gives, it's always the same bullshit. He's always blabbering about how
much he hates boy bands and how much he loves Dr. Dre, and it's getting a
little old.
First of all, make no mistake about it - I don't like boy bands either. I was the only kid
in my sixth grade class who hated the New Kids On The Block, but now
EVERYbody pretends to have hated them. I think boy bands produce bubble gum, one
dimensional, lyrically-hollow music that only a 14 year old girl could identify with. If
these guys were fat and ugly, they wouldn't have half as many fans, because let's face it
- women are always whining about how men only care about looks, but chicks are exactly the
same way. The popularity of the boy bands is evidence of that fact. If teenagers are
supposedly so depressed and suicidal, why do boy bands write such happy-go-lucky music?
Oh, wait, I almost forgot - they don't write their own music. They buy the lyrics from
fortysomething songwriters who don't know ANYthing about our generation. So that proves it
- boy bands are trash with no redeeming social value.
But...
That doesn't mean I agree with Eminem. You see, Eminem is a much bigger piece of SHIT than
any of the boy bands. This is a guy who wrote a song about killing his wife and disposing
of her body in front of his kid. And yeah, I've heard his explanation that he gives the
media - "My wife and I have a weird relationship, dawg!" - but what the hell
does that mean? I have a weird relationship with lots of people, but I still haven't
written songs about killing them. Eminem's half-assed explanation might fool a 15 year old
girl who creams herself over pictures of Slim Shady in teen magazines, but it doesn't fool
me. The boy bands might sing bubble-gum pop, but it's better than the crap that Eminem
produces.
This is a guy who lied about his past in order to gain respect from the hip hop crowd.
Let's get this straight - Eminem grew up in the fucking suburbs just like you and me. He
didn't grow up in a bad neighborhood, he didn't grow up in the ghetto. He's from the
SUBURBS, plain and simple. Another thing about Eminem that pisses me off is the way he
talks. I heard an interview with him on a rock station (a station with predominantly white
listeners), and he talked like your average 21-year-old white guy. There was very little
slang during the whole interview. Then, I switched over to a hip hop station a little bit
later, and they did an interview with him too... but he didn't even sound like the same
guy! To me, that's an obvious sign that Eminem is racist. Does he feel that he has to
'dumb things down' for the black listeners on the hip hop station? Does he think black
people aren't intelligent enough to understand him if he doesn't speak ebonics? That's
sure what it sounds like. Remember on In Living Color when the square white guys would
pretend to be black? Remember how funny it was? As far as I'm concerned, Eminem isn't any
different than that. He's just a white poser trying to be black, and eventually, people
are going to see through his act.
And have you heard about his feud with the Insane Clown Posse? Those guys
have hated Eminem since he first burst onto the Detroit hip hop scene. Shaggy 2
Dope and Violent J, the two members of ICP, actually grew up
just a few miles from Eminem, and they openly admit that they're from the suburbs. In
other words, they don't pretend to be something they're not. One of the guys from ICP
recently went up to Kim Mathers at a party and insulted Eminem, and Eminem responded by
pulling a gun. There was only one problem - the gun was unloaded. You see, Eminem is in
the habit of carrying around unloaded guns, because he likes to present the image of being
a gangsta without really living the life. He's a POSER. Naturally, the police arrested him
for pulling the gun (loaded or not, that's illegal), but that didn't stop Eminem from
pulling a gun on somebody ELSE just a few days later. Once again, he didn't pull the
trigger - because once again, it was an UNLOADED gun. What a fucking poser!
With all this chaos taking place in her life, Kim Mathers probably came to the same
conclusion that I did - she realized her husband was white trash. She was so humiliated by
her husband's actions, she even attempted suicide. Now, when I make a joke about something
like that, how am I the bad guy? I'm not the one who pushed an innocent woman to
the brink of death - no, that responsibility lies on Marshall Mathers' shoulders. If he
had been a better husband and a better father, none of this would be happening. So if you
Eminem fans have a problem with my jokes about him, send HIM some hatemail, because he's
the one who supplies me with material.
Anyway, I'd like to end this column with two words, and I'm sure that America will
eventually agree with me on this...
Eminem sucks.
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