I’m in a pissed off mood and I’m drunk, so get ready for me to rip into some of these famous bastards.

• Somebody needs to explain to ABC why they suck. After the debut of the Jimmy Kimmel Live show last month, which aired for the first time on Super Bowl Sunday, ABC executives were worried by alcohol playing such a large role in the show. You see, at points during the live broadcast, George Clooney passed around a bottle of vodka, and the audience members were able to get free drinks from the bar. The fun didn’t stop, either, as one audience member puked from too much beer and Snoop Dogg flipped off the camera several times (which isn’t allowed on network television). Lord knows the average American has never seen anyone drink vodka or stick out their middle finger.

"We were not comfortable with the systems in place for serving wine and beer,'' ABC spokesman Kevin Brockman said. So apparently ABC, the biggest eunuch of the whole network bunch, feels that it’s okay to serve alcohol at California Angels games (a team they own), but serving alcohol to a talk show audience is too dangerous. If that’s true, why don’t we hear of any riots outside David Letterman’s studio when Leno beats him in the Nielsens Ratings? Does ABC think people who attend talk show tapings are more prone to violence than sports fans? Tell that to a Raiders fan, stupid. Their city is still smoking from last month's loss. Why does ABC feel it’s necessary to ban alcohol at talk show but not at sport shows?

Maybe the answer to that question has something to do with why ABC is last in the ratings. Can you say ‘out of touch,’ Michael Eisner?

• Susan Sarandon is such a cunt. She recently used the London premier of her horrible movie ‘The Banger Sisters’ to protest British Prime Minister Tony Blair’s friendship with George W. Bush. Using the premier of your movie to protest a war – that’s usually a pretty good sign that your movie sucks.

"What's happened to Blair? I don't understand his reasoning or his logic,” she told British reporters. “I don't understand his evolution. I can see him being seduced by Clinton but don't understand what him and Bush speak about."

How can anyone possibly take Susie seriously after a comment like that? Most liberal women at least try to pretend they don’t have wet panties for Clinton. I wonder how her husband Tim Robbins (the guy who got raped in Shawshank Redemption) feels knowing that his wife would suck Clinton Monica-style at the drop of a hat? Pretty pathetic, Tim… even for a guy who starred in Howard The Duck.

If I ever meet Susie and Timmy, I’ll spit in both their faces… and guess what? They’ll probably both punch me (or at least stand back and watch in glee as their security beats the shit out of me). So-called pacifists are almost always hypocritical like that. Just ask gun-hating Rosie O’Donnell and her gun-toting security thug.

• I think Coldplay is a great band, but apparently their lead singer is a bit uninformed. I have nothing but respect for the music that Chris Martin has created, but his political opinions are completely off base. I just have to wonder how someone can possibly argue against the war when we’ve all seen (or I hope we’ve all seen) the photo of Saddam Hussein and the president of France, Jacques Chirac, taken while France was considering supplying Iraq with a nuclear reactor in 1975. France did supply Iraq with the reactor, and in mid 1981, the Israelis destroyed it, realizing that a nuclear reactor in an anti-Semitic, war-happy country was a huge threat to Israel. And people wonder why France is so opposed to the upcoming war? Boy, I wonder if there’s a conflict of interest there?

According to Chris Martin, “we're all going to die when George Bush has his way.” Are those the words of somebody who has actually researched this war, or are those the words of a reactionist celebrity who has no idea how the world works? I’m wondering how Chris thinks “we’re all going to die when George Bush has his way”… and I’m also wondering why celebrities don’t feel the need to back up their ignorant, completely uninformed, blanket statements? I’m guessing he’s of the mindset that we shouldn’t fight Iraq for fear of pissing off other terrorists – in other words, he thinks we should back down in order to appease future bullies. If every political decision was made in order to avoid “pissing the psychos off,” we’d be living in a really fucking scary society. I think Chris Martin should stick to writing nonsensical songs about the color yellow and leave the political talk to the grown-ups. No wonder Gwyneth Paltrow dumped his ass. Fucking coward.

See you next week.