• I was so fucking pissed off an hour ago. I just came back from a bar in Walnut Creek, California, which is one of those Northern California cities that produces over-privileged kids who think the rest of the world is great and that America is hell. In other words, the kind of cocksuckers that piss me off.

Anyway, I bought a beer and went into the smoking area (and this being the fascist shithole that California has become, that means I went outside). I'm sipping my beer and taking drags off the coffin-nail when I hear this Nazi-sounding assfuck spouting off about the problems in America. Apparently this European urethra-sucker had a problem with all the opportunities that America has afforded him and his disease-ridden family. And, this being California, his American-born friends blindly agreed with him. I could sense their reasoning – “hey, he has an accent! He must be right! America sucks… because I hate my parents!” That’s right, folks, his self-loathing, high-tax-loving, Dukakis-voting asshole friends sat there and nodded in agreement (as they sipped their Smirnoff Ice "adult" beverages) at his USA-hating rhetoric.

Anyway, long story longer, I couldn't take it anymore. So I stood up and let him have a piece of my mind... and one of my fists. And apparently punching an anti-USA cocksucker from Turkey in a California bar is frowned upon... but goddamn, do I feel better.

• On a completely different subject, I want to talk a little bit about one of my favorite targets, the 94.9 FM morning show in San Francisco. Now, if you've read my material for any portion of time, you know that I think their show sucks and that they should all burn in hell for producing such unentertaining radio. The hosts are Jeff Vandergrift (who calls himself "JV" on the air) and his bitch sidekick, Dan Lay (who goes by the on-air name "Elvis"). Now, like most morning shows, they rip off Howard Stern unapologetically (the Homeless Game, retards, etc), but they somehow manage to capture absolutely none of the wit that makes Howard Stern... well, Howard Stern. It's almost as if they get the "we're controversial!" aspect of morning drive radio without realizing that you should also incorporate some of the "and we're also funny!" part of it.

To make matters worse for their pitiful program, the host has recently discovered religion and feels the need to talk about it on the air. And here's the even more pathetic part - he also believes that psychic Gary Spivey is a prophet. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there actually is one person in America ignorant enough to believe in the "psychic" predictions of Gary Spivey, a moron who has hair that looks like a fucking albino porcupine. And Gary isn't just a hoax on the level of somebody like John Edwards - no, he's much worse. Gary actually claims to "remove demons" from callers, live on the air!

Here's what a typical call goes like on their show when Gary Spivey is on (and yeah, I'm paraphrasing, but not by much):

IGNORANT CALLER: "WASSUP DOGHOUSE! Hey Gary, do I have demons or anything bad like that inside of me?"

GARY SPIVEY: "Yes, you do. I see a demon surrounding you, covering the loving soul you truly posses inside. Almost like you're an M&M, but instead of the candy shell, it's a demon. Want me to get rid of it?"

IGNORANT CALLER: "Yeah, that'd be cool."

GARY SPIVEY: "Okay, I have removed the demons. Do you feel a little lightheaded?"

IGNORANT CALLER: "Yeah, I feel it. Cool. Anyway, can I ask another question? 'Cause see, my man owes me like $600, and he hasn't called me back in seven weeks, and I feel sort of suspicious that he might have another mami on the side. Oh, and I have warts in between my..."

And so on, and so on, and fucking so on.

And nobody on their miserable radio show has the balls to tell this asshole with a Brillo-pad-on-his-head haircut that he's a fucking fraud. And they have the chutzpah to allow this bamboozling bastard to give false hope to their listeners... all because the imbecilic host is delusional enough to believe Gary fucking Spivey is a prophet.

Call me crazy, but I don't think any psychic who sells thongs with his photo on them should be taken seriously. Come to think of it, should ANY psychic be taken seriously? And while you're contemplating that, by all means, be sure to pick up the official Gary Spivey barbecue apron and mousepad.

But by all means, take your time. They're going to continue promoting this fraud as a legitimate psychic (as if there's such a thing), they're going to continue plugging his money-hungry website, and they're going to continue producing a show that is an embarrassment to radio.

And they're going to continue to wonder why they can't get syndication.