Some random observations:

• GOODBYE, CREEPY MUSTACHE. HELLO, CREEPIER FACE

I realize this is old news, but Alex Trebek looks like a child molester without his mustache. I wouldn't let that man baby-sit my child if Richard Allen Davis was the only other available sitter. I'm not accusing him of being a pervert or anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if he has a few dead children in his closet.

• MY BROTHER WANTS TO BE A LOCKSMITH

Granted, as a 25-year-old man-child who works in the stock room at a department store, I'm in no position to mock my brother's current career choice. I did, however, point out some of the drawbacks of being a locksmith to him:

Every holiday gift you get from now on will be shaped like a key. That's so relatives who don't really know you will trick you into thinking they care about you, because they - GASP! - know what you do for a living! "Let's get him a KEY-shaped chocolate for Christmas, dear!"

No one other than your immediate family will remember you after you die. And the wreath of flowers at your funeral will likely be shaped like a key.

You make KEYS for a living.

My brother made the right decision and enrolled in college. He says he may or may not become a locksmith after getting his degree in human development. And meanwhile, I still work in the stock room of a department store.

• SCHOOL TEACHERS ARE CUNTS

It pisses me off that I know how to write in cursive. What a useless skill.

I remember being a 9-year-old kid in class and asking my dumb bitch of a teacher why learning how to write in cursive was necessary... and she responded "because that's how grown-ups write things!"

Call me illiterate, but I have yet to buy one motherfucking book that is written in cursive.

How is teaching children to write in cursive any different from Catholic nuns demanding their pupils learn how to speak Latin? It's a useless, stupid thing to teach kids. And speaking of which...

"Hey, Mr. Assfuck, I'm still waiting for algebra to pop up in a real life situation. In exchange for all the wasted hours I spent learning useless skills, how about you spend an equal amount of time... paralyzed in a wheelchair in the "Stephen Hawkings My-Wife-Can't-Fuck-Me-Anymore Department" of your local hospital! Sounds fair to me, dickweed."

• WHEN DID THE REAL WORLD STOP BEING REAL?

I can barely watch that show anymore. It used to be good because they actually used "real" people...

Ugly people...

Societal rejects...

Unemployed country singers...

Unfunny comedians...

And don't forget the occasional diseased dude!

...and then suddenly it became a fucking modeling shoot. Everybody on the show is good-looking now, and personally, I couldn't give less of a fuck. Apparently nobody informed the creators that attractive people are rarely interesting.

That show jumped the shark faster than Dale Earnhardt hit the wall.

• JESUS BEAT MY ASS

There's a new website called GoogleBattle.com. The concept is simple - you enter two names, the site does a search on both names on Google, and the guy with the most websites attached to his/her name wins.

I decided to see who's most popular on our show:

Big Tone (6,360 webpages) beats Bob Freeman (6,270 webpages).

Jesus Christ (5,130,000 webpages) beats Bob Freeman (6,270 webpages).

You know you're a wimp when Jesus "Turn The Other Cheek" Christ whips your ass.