Hey everybody. 

Since I have a penis, I refuse to go Christmas shopping until December 24th. The regrettable side effect of this habit, unfortunately, is that I get to encounter all the other worthless zilches who wait until the last minute to holiday shop. 

The scum of the earth. The lowest of the low. The dumbest of the dumb. We can smell our own.

Anyway, I got pretty hungry at about 2:30 PM during this shopping spree. I would have eaten at Burger King (or “B.K.,” as the hipsters say), but I had had an embarrassing incident there earlier. You see, I had been waiting to have my order taken for about five minutes at Burger King and nobody came to take it. A long line formed behind me and this big Mexican fellow kept tapping me on the back, asking “are you sure this is the line, man?” (although he pronounced it “mang”). I kept insisting to him that this was, indeed, the line. 

After about seven minutes of waiting, with a now-angry line of potentially violent customers behind me, I realized that I wasn’t in the line. I was in the “stand here and wait for your food to be handed to you” area. The actual “order your food” line was about three feet away from me, and because I hadn’t been waiting there, none of the Burger King sheep had come to serve me. 

I didn't know what to do, so I did what I typically do when I'm nervous and cornered - I pretended to talk on my cell phone. 

FREEMAN SPEAKING INTO A PHONE THAT NO ONE IS ON THE OTHER END OF: "Hey, can you hear me? Okay, yeah, I'm still at Burger King. What? Wait, what's that? Yeah, I can meet you there. Let me just place my order here at Burger King and then I'll head on over right away - huh? Right now!? Okay, I'm on my way! You just sit tight and..."

At that point, I was going to continue "I'll be there in just a second." Unfortunately, I couldn't continue, because my phone fucking rang. While I had it to my ear and was pretending to be speaking to someone on it. It rang. And it didn't just ring, because that would be humiliating enough, but it rang with my The Cars' "Drive" ringtone. That's like the least cool ringtone you can have, unless you've got the "Karma Chameleon" polyphonic ringtone, in which case you are gay and have full-blown AIDS.

Anyway, at that exact moment, a Burger King employee walked up and pointed to the real line. So there I was, pretending to talk on a cell phone that had just rang, in front of about a dozen or more angry shoppers, most of whom were wearing Raiders jerseys and visible track marks, and I'm standing in front of the wrong fucking Burger King line. 

I felt like a douchebag.

I felt like an idiot.

In other words, I felt fairly normal.

My survival instincts kicked in at that point. As any avid viewer of Animal Planet knows, we human beings are only a few steps away from animals. Except for the fur and paws and red rockets and stuff. We're all basically animals at heart. 

So I ran. I ran so far away.

I ran my ass off and I didn't stop until I reached the other side of the mall. And then I ate a delicious McDonald's double cheeseburger and a McChicken sandwich. Because hey, not sure if you're aware of this, but Burger King isn't the only malnutrition monarchy in the mall!

More on my McDonald's experience tomorrow. If I feel up to typing. My chest hurts.