Chauncé Hayden is a celebrity journalist as well as the host of The Chauncé Hayden Show, a popular Internet talk show that was featured on the now-defunct eYada network. He has interviewed everyone from Howard Stern to Paula Poundstone, and his no-nonsense style has won him fans from across the globe. This time, however, Hayden is taking the hot seat himself, as Bob Freeman has some questions for him about the world of celebrities, sluts, and shock talk.
BFS: First of all, Chauncé, congratulations on being featured in FHM Magazine. How does it feel to finally get some recognition from the national media?
HAYDEN: Thanks... Actually, I was more excited that my cat Domino made it in FHM. While I was choking him I had no clue they were taking pictures. Had I known, I would of whipped the booger sticking out of his nose. Actually, I was thrilled to get press in a magazine that I've whacked off to for so long.
BFS: You were one of the first Internet talk show hosts to really make an impact. Do you think the Internet is the medium of the future for talk shows?
HAYDEN: I don't know. My guess is not any time soon. It's very expensive to broadcast a radio show on the internet. Ironically, the more listeners you have the more it cost to broadcast. It's like you're being punished for being successful. Some web sites charge to listen to their crappy shows. But I don't see why someone would pay to listen to some ass making a fool of himself on the air when you can turn on the TV and see all the assholes you want for free. Maybe one day talk on the internet will come back. But to be honest I'm not holding my breath... however, if it does make it back, I'll hopefully be there doing what I seem to do best... putting a flashlight up a black whore's ass to see if I can make her belly shine. I swear it can be done.
BFS: We can only hope. It's not really the talk shows that went away, because there's still a lot of them, including my own... it's the servers that went bankrupt. Anyway, let's move on to the subject of celebrities. You've interviewed some big names in show business, from Anna Kournikova to Cindy Crawford. Have you ever found yourself 'star struck' by one of your interview subjects?
HAYDEN: All the time. I'm such a star fucker. That's why I first got into being a celebrity journalist, which is my real job. I get off being around people who are good looking and successful. I'm fascinated by good looking people. I can't imagine what it must be like to have people treat you great just because you have high cheek bones and thick hair. I remember interviewing Cindy Crawford and all I could think about was that I'm such an ugly loser. This woman wouldn't give me the time of day except for the fact that I was feeding her ego by asking her questions. But to answer your question... Yes, I melt around good looking women who are famous.
Chauncé Hayden
BFS: Your show used to run on eYada, a website devoted entirely to Internet talk shows. How did you feel when they ran out of money and subsequently went out of business?
HAYDEN: I had mixed feelings. The management at eyada were bastards to me. I had the best show at eyada and they all knew it. But they showed me no respect and paid me shit. Meanwhile other hosts were getting paid tons of money to do shit radio. It was very frustrating. It was a horrible place to work, trust me. On the other hand, there were some people there who believed in me and were very supportive. Those people know who they are and I miss them. We were breaking all the rules of radio and doing it well. Each week our fan base was growing and it was exciting to see what was happening on a world wide level. So to see all of our hard work come to an end was sad.
BFS: How do you feel about Dan & Scott, the other popular shock jocks who worked for eYada. It seems that a lot of your fans hated them, and vice versa.
HAYDEN: Dan and Scott were very good and doing bad radio. They are two guys from the farmlands of the Midwest and that's basically the kind of show they did. If you were afraid of a guy like me who was out of control and willing to take risks and push the limits far beyond what was ever done on radio, but enjoyed hearing the word 'Fuck' said over and over again and if prank phone calls were your bag, you would love Dan and Scott. I have to admit I loved watching them get increasingly jealous of my success. I knew how to push their buttons and drive them crazy. All I had to do was say that their producer (who was also Dan's girlfriend) has a crush on me and they would go wild with anger! Watching a short fat guy like Dan get so upset over something I said or did was hilarious to me... They took themselves very seriously and that's what made them such a perfect target. Actually, I think New York City was just too much for them... They were lost. The last I heard they were back in Green Bay milking cows, living in their grandmothers basement or some shit... who knows.
BFS: So now that eYada is gone, where can people listen to your show?
HAYDEN: I have some of my archives available on ChaunceHayden.com. Hopefully, I'll have all my archives available in the coming weeks.
BFS: One of the regulars on our show, the extremely homophobic Big Tone, hates Gay Dave from your show. Think Gay Dave would be up for a boxing match with Tone someday?
HAYDEN: As much as I love Gay Dave, I think I can speak for him when I tell you that he would rather eat pussy than have to fight Big Tone. I will say I miss Gay Dave the most. That guy would do anything for the show and he did it for free. He totally got it and as annoying as he was, his heart was always in the right place.
BFS: What exactly is this 'hair thing' on your show that everybody keeps talking about?
HAYDEN: When I was a little boy I got a hard-on watching Crystal Gail sing on some talk show. I didn't know what was happening but for some reason her long hair was giving my 8 year old penis a stiffy. From that moment on, anytime a woman rubbed her hair on my body I would get an erection. But I was actually thinking of Crystal Gail. One of the greatest moments on the show was when Crystal Gail came on the show and rubbed her hair on me... I'm getting a boner just thinking about it!
BFS: You've got a big ass tattoo on your back that says 'What fails to kill me only serves to make me stronger.' How drunk were you when you decided to get that?
HAYDEN: I swear I wasn't drunk. You have to remember something. I'm really insane. I'm also very self-destructive. I don't care much about myself or what people think of me. That said, the reason I got that ridiculous tattoo was because my sister had killed herself, my wife left me, I lost my job and I was homeless. I was going to end it all until someone said, 'hey, just remember what fails to kill you only serves to make you stronger'... so instead of dying, I used my back to gain strength to go on living. 10,000 hair things later I'm still here!
BFS: Out of all the celebrity interviews you've done, which guest was the most difficult? I seem to remember you having an on-air fight with Corey Feldman once.
HAYDEN: Corey Feldman is great! He's such a whack job who can't keep his mouth shut that you know if he's on your show it's going to be a home run. But of all the celebrity guests we had on, I would say the most difficult was Jackie 'The Jokeman' Martling from the Howard Stern Show. I always considered Jackie a friend and one night he was nice enough to come on the show. However, from the time he got into the studio he had an attitude. He seemed to be upset about something but nobody knew what. After about 40 minutes of chatting and taking phone calls I thanked him and moved on with the show. We all knew what had just happened was a little odd and discussed it on the air. The next day Jackie sent me a crazy email that I won't even get into. But I was really freaked out by how strange he acted.
BFS: Well, we all know Jackie's a fan of the green. That could have had something to do with it. Do a lot of the celebrities come off as assholes when themicrophone is turned off? For instance, a chick like Anna Kournikova. She's pretty much every guy's wet dream right now, but did she seem at ALL obtainable in real life?
HAYDEN: What is with you and Anna Kournikova anyway? Listen, of all the hot chicks out there she's not even on my top 10. I'm going to burst your masturbatory bubble - she's got facial hair. There I said it.
BFS: Thanks a lot, man. My penis just fell off. Hey, back to the subject of Howard Stern's show for a moment - you recently broke the story that Artie Lange is the official replacement for Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling on The Howard Stern Show. Who do you prefer?
HAYDEN: Tough question. There was great chemistry with Jackie but it's still The Howard Stern Show. Howard has a way of picking the right people to be around him and making them shine. Jackie was great but Artie is great too. It's not a matter of who's better... it's really just a matter of Howard being a genius.
BFS: Since you're a regular on Howard's show, I have to ask you - what do you think of Opie and Anthony, his archrivals from WNEW?
HAYDEN: I used to think they were funny. But I really can't listen to them anymore. I interviewed them for Penthouse magazine when nobody cared about them. I had to beg Penthouse to let me write the story. The pricks never even said thanks for getting them in a national magazine. I remember after the interview, Opie called me at work and begged me to change Anthony's answer about who invented Whip em' Out Wednesdays (W.O.W.). Anthony claimed they both invented it... but Opie said to me the next day that it was really him and if I would change the answer. I guess you could call them the poor man's Howard Stern. They're great for anyone who can't get on Stern or for those who Howard is at war with.
BFS: What's your favorite perk of being a talk show host? I'm guessing it's the women, but I figured I'd ask anyway.
HAYDEN: The women. It certainly wasn't the money. Women will do anything if you put a mic in front of them. It's really amazing.
BFS: Where do you think you and your show will be in five years?
HAYDEN: In a perfect world I would like to be back on the air on some highly successful internet broadcast company making 2 million dollars a year... but let me take the needle out of my arm for a second. More than likely, I'll be in some alley trying to kick Paxil, bragging to some homeless dude about how I got Crystal Gail to give me the hair thing.
BFS: Well, I know you're a busy man, Chauncé, so I won't drag this interview on any longer. Want to plug your website?
HAYDEN: ChaunceHayden.com.
BFS: Sounds good. Thanks a lot, bro. Good luck on the continued success of your show.
HAYDEN: Who are you anyway?
BFS: Just a guy trying to do the Internet talk show thing without any sponsorship. Wish me luck, man.